The Case He Could Only Watch
by Sorentense
Summary: Given the choice, Rem finds L to be less disgusting than Light Yagami. She bargains with him for Misa's safety, offering to secure Light's capture in return. L makes one more condition, however: Misa must receive treatment for the borderline personality disorder that made her dangerous to begin with. Rem is agreeable; Misa... less so.


The first medication the doctors gave her was _awful_. They said she had to give it a few weeks to work, but she knew from the beginning that it was a bad one. It made her sick to her stomach all the time. She was always hot, even in the frigid air of the hospital. And she didn't feel better, she just felt… nothing.

But the doctors wouldn't believe her, and she couldn't talk to Rem or they'd think she was even crazier, and… and… She buried her face in her pillow and tried to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. There were no tears inside of her; there was nothing.

"Misa Amane."

She _knew_ that voice! She sat bolt upright and saw Ryuuzaki slouching in the doorway, staring at her with his huge black eyes.

"You," she hissed. "You did this! You sent me here! You took Light away from me!"

"No, Misa." Rem laid her long hand on Misa's shoulder. "I did."

Misa turned to stare in shock at her Shinigami. "You… _why_?" At long last, the tears welled up.

Ryuuzaki crouched on the chair next to her bed. "She did it for you, Misa. Please, listen before you react."

Misa sat, quivering with helpless fury, and listened to the story of the night Kira was arrested.

" _L Lawliet."_

 _The detective paused with a bite of cake halfway to his mouth and turned toward the dead voice of the Shinigami. "Ah, Rem. Come to discuss the fate of this 'Death Note?'"_

" _The Death Note is not my primary concern." She looked toward the wall of screens, toward the image of Misa sprawled in her room, humming contentedly._

 _L followed her gaze. "Miss Amane?" Pieces clicked into place. "So she really is the second Kira…"_

" _And Light Yagami is the true Kira." The skeletal creature deliberately removed her Death Note and held her pen poised to write._

 _The human rested his chin on his knees. "Are you going to kill me, Rem?"_

" _I might." She lowered her pen. "But… it may be better for Misa if I do not."_

 _L tugged at his lower lip. "Is that so?" Rem could almost see the wheels turning in his mind. "What led you to believe this?"_

 _She scowled. "The fact that Light Yagami is truly… disgusting."_

"My Light was not disgusting!" shouted Misa. "He was my knight in shining armor!"

"He was planning to kill you when you ceased to be useful, and wanted Rem out of the way to make it easier," L corrected her. He shifted slightly in the chair. "Well, since you probably won't listen to the whole story…. Rem and I reached an agreement. She helped me collect the needed evidence to convict Light Yagami of his murders and bring him to justice. And in return, I agreed to secure your safety… including your safety from yourself."

"So what?" Misa demanded. "I'm going to be trapped here with all these… these… _doctors_ until I die? Why don't you just execute me now?"

"You're not here until you die." Seeing that he had her attention, L continued. "I have conducted an investigation into your personal history, Misa Amane. You have a long history of emotional extremes, impulsive behavior, and unfounded attachments. These began around age 13, but escalated in the aftermath of your parents' death. Is this correct?"

Misa folded her arms and pouted, but at a glance from Rem gave him a sullen nod.

"This information points to the possibility of a mental illness – my deductions indicate borderline personality disorder, but regulations on the medical field require that certified doctors make this diagnosis."

She could not believe what she was hearing. "First you arrest my one true love, and now you're calling me _crazy_?"

"I'm not calling you anything." L rubbed his ears, as if to check that they were still functioning. "What I _am_ saying is that you have been manipulated by a disease outside your control, and that you can be helped. When the time comes that you are well enough not to be a danger to yourself or others, you will be free to leave this facility. And," he added before she could object, "you will face no charges for what you have done. As far as the world is concerned, the second Kira was killed by the first, and Misa Amane was simply a pawn in Light Yagami's game."

"Those are the terms of our bargain," Rem confirmed.

"You helped him arrest Light?" Misa whispered weakly. "How… how could you? I thought you didn't want me to get hurt!"

"Pain is an inevitable part of life, Misa." She brushed a lock of golden hair from the young woman's face. "I decided it was better than you feel the pain of losing Light Yagami now than suffer his betrayal and die at his hands." She gazed thoughtfully at the detective. "And if this other human has spoken the truth… the pain that is always with you can be helped. And I will see that you remain here until it is."

Misa's face flushed and she flung the pillow in Ryuuzaki's face. "Stupid! You're both _stupid_!" She flung out her arm and struck Rem in the chest. "I hate you both!" she screamed. "How could you do this to me? How could you possibly think that this awful place and these doctors who don't even _listen_ would ever help me? _Leave me alone!_ "

L watched Misa continue to rant and sob, seemingly impassive. After a few minutes, he turned to Rem. "Shinigami."

"What is it you want?" Rem continued to stare at Misa.

"Is it true what she says? That the doctors do not listen?"

"I am not familiar with human medical proceedings," she intoned. "But it is true that they do not appear to take her words into account."

"Hm." L tugged at his lip. "Well, I suppose it's to be expected. A doctor who thinks his patient is out of touch with reality or prone to lying would naturally give little weight to what she says…" He looked back at Misa, and Rem thought for a moment that his eyes looked sad. "I will have to see what can be done about that."

o-o-o-o

In the end, all it took was a forged medical release form and some careful scheduling for L to be allowed to discuss Misa's case with the doctors on a weekly basis. Posing as a childhood friend, the closest thing she had left to family, he appeared every day during visiting hours to check up on her. Of course, Misa refused to speak to him, but Rem was persuaded to give him updates on the devastated model's experience. While she remained suspicious of L Lawliet, the Shinigami had accepted that his assistance was necessary to help Misa. And, to be perfectly honest, he was still a vast improvement over Light Yagami.

L had selected this facility carefully; it was one of the best in the world, and Watari's contacts had assured him that the combination of psychiatric and cognitive-behavioral therapies was beautifully executed. With all this in mind, the detective had to admit he was astonished by how differently the staff responded when he and Misa gave the same information. When Misa said that she was constantly sick and couldn't feel anything, they merely told her this was normal and would pass; when L described the same symptoms, the doctor agreed that it was possible she was not tolerating this medication well and transferred her to a new one. Of course, Misa's proclivity for the dramatic and admittedly poor judgment could justify some caution in believing her words, but still, this seemed… excessive.

As far as L's personal pet peeves about this facility went, the fact that they detained his precious sweets at the door was near the top of the list. Of course, he understood that baked goods and loosely packaged candies could be used to smuggle poisons or drugs to the patients, but an unopened can of soda?

Too bad, L told himself as he shuffled down the hall toward Misa's room. He had promised to help her, and help he would. _No, it's more than that… I have to_ know. _I have to know how much of her crime was the illness, and how much was Misa's own choice._ Unlike most of his quarries, Misa was essentially harmless with her Death Note permanently borrowed. She could be treated without placing more lives in danger. That variable of a few malfunctioning components in her brain could – hopefully – be removed, and he could actually assess the causality. It was…. _interesting._

He knocked on her door. "Misa?"

Something thudded against the door – probably a water bottle. The patients were not allowed many hard objects, for obvious reasons. "Go away!"

"Can't; the car won't be back for another hour." And he walked in, completing their little ritual.

Misa ignored him and stared at the wall. He'd be lying if he said she looked _better_ on her new regimen, but she certainly looked… different. She was shaking uncontrollably, the pattern of movements suggesting a tremor rather than shivering. Her eyelids drooped slightly at the corners, as well. "So… how's it going?"

She hung her head and, to be honest, he didn't expect her to answer. "I don't know," she whispered. "I… I don't feel like I'm being hunted all the time, and I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else, but… well, look at me! I'm shaking, and my eyes sag, and I can't drink from a cup without spilling any!" She bit her lip and pulled back her sleeve, showing a few tiny welts on her arm. "And I think I'm getting a rash."

L leaned forward to study her arm. "It certainly looks like a rash to me." He also privately noted Misa was becoming less hostile. That was a valuable piece of information. "I'd say there's a ninety-three percent chance that you are allergic to this new medication."

"But I don't want them to take me off it!" Misa burst out. She pulled the blankets tighter around herself. "I heard some other patients talking. One of them had been on the same medication I'm on and had to go off. She said that the detox period is like the one for heroin!"

"Misa," L began.

"I've seen someone coming off heroin!" she continued, panicking. The shaking intensified. "Ryuuzaki, it's horrible! I-I can't do that!"

"Misa Amane," he broke in sternly. Seeing that he had her attention, he continued. "I have watched people come off of heroin, too. And I promise you, even if this medication's discontinuation syndrome is _worse_ than that, the Misa Amane I know can get through it." He smiled a bit sardonically. "After all, you withstood extreme confinement for fifty days. I think being sick a few days will pale in comparison."

She sighed. "But, when I was in prison… I was sustained by true love. And now… he's dead, isn't he? My love, my Light? He's dead?"

Well, he shouldn't be surprised that the news of Kira's execution had penetrated into this facility. "Yes."

Her thin shoulders shook in a way that had nothing to do with the medication. "Then I have nothing to hold onto this time."

L watched her for a minute, then cautiously rested a hand on blonde head. She jumped in surprise, then gradually accepted the offer of comfort. "What about your hope of making the world a better place?"

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "But… you're not going to return my Death Note!"

"That's not the only way." L smiled ever so slightly. "Do you ever go to the therapy groups?"

She huffed. "I don't want to talk about what's happened to me! How are _they_ supposed to understand, huh?"

"I'm not asking you to talk, Miss Amane, I'm asking you to _listen._ "

She rolled her eyes. "I don't want your stupid mind games, Ryuuzaki. If that's why you came here, just leave me alone!"

"Mm." L's eyes narrowed in annoyance. Misa was not overly given to doing as she was told; if he suggested outright that she could be a helpful advocate for her young fans who suffered from similar illnesses, she would probably never do so. "Well, answer this question, then: do you want to bring criminals like the man who killed your parents to justice?"

Misa stared. "Of… of course! But… my notebook…"

This proposal was going to be either the best or the worst he had ever made, L was sure. But all the same… "That's not the only way, Misa. That man got away with his crime due to lack of evidence, didn't he?"

"Well, yeah…" She obviously didn't see where he was going yet.

"Then, if you were able to help build solid cases, with sufficient evidence, against people like that – they could be brought to justice, couldn't they?"

"Um… yes?"

"Then work for me."

Misa's mouth fell open. "Huh?" she finally gasped out.

"You and your… friend…" he nodded toward Rem, "have a unique skill set that is not currently at my disposal. Social finesse, infiltration, an… uncanny… instinct for identities…. You two could be a powerful force for justice, if you would like to take this chance."

Rem glared at him. "Misa does not need to become a pawn in your game as well, L Lawliet."

L glanced at the Shinigami. "But she does need something to fight for, doesn't she? And if she's working with a detective instead of a mass murderer, she's far less likely to be executed in her quest for justice." Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the idea taking root in Misa's mind. He stood up and put his hands in his pockets. "Well, I should go speak to the doctor now. Feel free to think this over before making your decision."

"Ryuuzaki!" she called, stopping him at the door.

"Hm?"

"I… I have to be cured to do this, don't I?"

"Well, yes. If I'm going to be sending you out to help me capture criminals, I naturally have to make sure you are able to make sound decisions and keep yourself safe."

"Will you… will you make sure that the doctors don't declare me cured until _I_ feel cured?"

"You will not leave this facility until you and the doctors agree that you are ready," L promised – possibly the most comfortable promise he had ever made. "Of course, you'll have to cooperate in treatment…."

"I will!" she declared. Her eyes were bright and she looked more herself than she had in a month. "I will get better, and I will work with you to make this world a good place!"

 _I really could fall for you,_ L thought, looking into the eager face below his. "Well then, Miss Amane, it seems we have work to do."

o-o-o-o

Upon confirming Misa was having an allergic reaction, the doctors transitioned her off the medication. As predicted, the withdrawal syndrome was miserable; fortunately, Misa was able to sleep through most of it, waking up only for meals and trips to the bathroom.

After this transition, there was a drug that she tolerated well enough. It even seemed to make a dent in her mood. But the suicidal inclinations… Well, when L arrived to see her at the start of week three, she was being divested of a sheet, half of which had already been twisted into a rope. Her face looked as though she had rammed her head into the wall, and he was fairly sure she had stabbed her arm with a pencil.

"Ah, there you are, Mr. Ryuuzaki," Misa's doctor greeted him. "Would you step into my office, please?"

L glanced at the struggling Misa, then followed the doctor. He crouched on the chair he was offered and eyed the man expectantly.

"Misa is showing some improvement to her mood, but the suicidal tendencies have not abated." He wiped his glasses on his white coat. "Actually, they seem to be getting worse."

"Shouldn't that be addressed in the group therapy?" L questioned softly.

The doctor sighed. "Patients get more help from the group sessions when they _don't_ attack the other patients, I'm afraid. She's become increasingly hostile with the improvement to her mood." He handed L a few sheets of paper. "I'd like to try her on lithium. It's not the go-to mood stabilizer in Borderline patients – there's a bit of maintenance required on the patient's part – but it has a remarkable impact on violent urges. Would you look over the medical history section for me, please? We can't get Misa to focus and fill it out."

L began scanning the page of inquiries. "Will this cure her?"

The doctor chuckled and shook his head. "Personality disorders aren't 'cured,' I'm afraid. Most mental health issues aren't. The drugs can help, but she will need the therapy to manage her symptoms."

"Hm." Well, that could be problematic for his analysis… and for Misa. "So, she will always be prone to desperate love at first sight, extreme jealousy, that sort of thing?"

"I'm afraid so," the doctor confirmed. "But," he emphasized, "she can learn to question those impulses and make freer decisions."

"Hm, is that so?" L finished scanning the page. "No exclusionary factors." He signed off on the sheet and handed it back. _I wish I could put cameras here; this is a kind of mystery I've never solved._

o-o-o-o

Narrowing down the best treatment for Misa took two years. Two years of L solving all his cases remotely from the city where she was being treated. Two years of antidepressants and antipsychotics, of symptom changes and side effects, of balancing the effects of the drugs with dietary tweaks and still more drugs. Two years of sitting in therapy, two years of listening and – in the second year – of talking. Two years of new skills, new perspectives, and piecing together her reality with a mind constantly in flux. And two years in which Misa Amane came to trust the odd detective she knew as Ryuuzaki.

"And now," the therapist said with a smile, "we're going to end our discussion a little early today." The solid ex-cop nodded toward Misa. "Misa is being discharged today, and I'd like everyone to have a chance to say goodbye. Some of you have been through this process before, so you already know that I'm going to go last. Do we have a volunteer to go first?"

Linda, who had been brought against her will by a worried mother, raised her hand. "Misa, when I first got here, I hated this whole place. I still hate some of it." She glared toward the doctors' offices and a sympathetic smirk went around the circle. "I was ready to choke you when you smiled and sat next to me for lunch. But something about you… Well, you're one of the few people in the world who doesn't piss me off. I don't know what it is, but… don't lose that, okay?"

Misa smiled and broke the no-touching rule to give Linda a hug. The edict against physical contact was explicit and enforced, and Misa had come to understand why over the past two years. However, goodbyes were a silently understood exception to the rule.

"You're a pretty little thing," grinned a recently admitted patient, who gave a different name every group and bore a disquieting resemblance to Heath Ledger's incarnation of the Joker. Not even the doctors knew that his real name was Chad Sanger. "I'm sure you'll be just fine." She thanked him but gracefully declined the hug.

"I'm going to miss you, Misa," Ada choked out after a moment. The plump German mother had been in the facility for just over three months, and the razor cut across her throat was almost healed. The underlying depression would take longer, but Misa had seen so much progress in the time Ada had been there. "You've been so kind and… and cheerful. I know you'll be all right."

Misa gave the tearful woman a long hug. "You always see such good things in the rest of us, Ada. I really hope you'll start to see them in yourself." She had said similar things from time to time to fans who showered her with praise, but they had just been words. Now, having spent so much time with these people and shared their pain and hope, she meant them for the first time in her life.

Evan, who was in the middle of a manic episode, hugged her as soon as she released Ada. He was talking so rapidly that even Misa couldn't follow him, but she hugged back anyway. When Evan's mind was clearer, he reminded her a bit of Ryuuzaki; the grizzled man, who had developed an allergy to his old medication, was a star prosecution lawyer. She had never figured out if his sympathy was genuine or an act, but he could be quietly relentless in challenging the negative conclusions that automatically popped into his fellow patients' minds. "I'll miss you, too, Evan," she giggled. "I hope you'll be back to work soon!"

Everyone was surprised when Jean spoke. "Good luck." His jaw twitched, as if he wanted to get more words out, but could not concentrate past his violent hallucinations. "You're… good kid."

Misa bowed deeply, knowing Jean did not like to be touched. "Thank you, Jean. I'll pray that there's something out there to help you." And she would. What this man went through on a daily basis made her suffering look like a picnic.

Veronique, Chimotrufia, and Nina surrounded her in a group hug, exchanging laughter and tears. Although it was technically against the rules, the four young women had exchanged numbers and planned to stay in contact once they were discharged. Though they came from different countries and backgrounds, their illnesses had been remarkably similar. Meeting them, hearing their stories, and watching them go through treatment had been critical for Misa. When she heard her own 'romance' play out in someone else's life, she finally began to realize that what she felt for Light really could be called a disease.

She tightly clasped hands with Shawn, the war veteran finally getting treatment for post traumatic stress, and his new friend Jim, a mechanic on his third attempt at recovery from alcohol abuse. To everyone's amusement and joy, the two men had bonded during treatment and were, as the American patients phrased it, 'bros.'

Victor, who had thrown a chair at the therapist yesterday, said nothing. She quietly bowed a farewell to him anyway.

Marta, whose obsession with the supernatural had jarred Misa into questioning even more of her judgments, parted with a disjointed, but admittedly poetic, blessing from the spirits. Misa smiled and thanked her warmly. Her own experience with 'spirits' was limited to the Shinigami, and Rem had not been able to confirm any creatures like those Marta invoked, but the kindness was there all the same and she was grateful for it.

And finally, that brought her back around to the therapist, Amelia Lampert. She made it less than a minute into Ms. Lampert's goodbye before she started crying.

When she got to the door with her small bag of belongings, L was waiting for her with one of his rare little smiles. Slouching, hands shoved in his pockets, hair tousled, and dark rings around his eyes – the sight of him was beginning to feel like home. They walked out to the car in companionable silence, the weird detective and the model he had rescued.

Misa took a deep breath, recognizing that line of thinking. _He's not a knight in shining armor. He helped me for a case. Now he's my friend. And that's… good. It really is._ She greeted Watari happily as he opened the car door for her. She settled into the back seat with L and Rem and, as soon as the hospital was out of sight, threw her arms around the Shinigami. "I can talk to you again!" she exulted. "I've missed talking with you so much, Rem!"

The Shinigami didn't smile – Misa doubted she even knew how – but her gold eyes softened slightly and she patted Misa's blonde hair. "I am glad we can speak again."

"Mm, careful where you do it," L warned them around a mouthful of precious brownies. "Your old agency is waiting for you to come back, and the press are going to hound you." He swallowed. "Having just left a mental hospital, you might not want to be seen talking yourself."

"Huh?" Misa stared at him. "How would they know all that? Does the agency know what happened?"

"I offered your agency an… edited version of the truth," Watari explained without turning his head. "They know that in the wake of the Kira case, you realized Light Yagami had exploited a mental illness to manipulate you and sought treatment. They've spun it to the press as a story of courage, and I'm afraid it's gotten a great deal of attention." As they pulled up to a traffic light, he turned and smiled. "I thought we would wait a bit to tell them you're out, Miss Amane. Once they know, the cameras will be everywhere."

"And we have to train you regarding your role in my detective work," L reminded her. He pulled out a container of cupcakes and handed her one. "Welcome to your secret new career."

She shook her head and giggled at his coolness. "Thank you." She gently pushed the hand with the cupcake back toward him. "I can't, though. If I'm going back to modeling, I can't let myself get fat."

L raised an eyebrow. "I told you that you don't gain weight as long as you burn calories by using your brain."

Misa folded her arms. "And I asked you not to call me stupid."

"I didn't." He eyed her solemnly. "'Stupid' would mean your brain is inferior. I simply stated that it was underused." He extended the cake toward her again. "It won't be underused anymore."

In a daze at being _complimented_ by the clueless detective, she reached out and took the cupcake.

"Rem?" L asked, offering another. The Shinigami merely shot him a look of distaste. Le shrugged and took the cake for himself.

"To justice," Misa proposed, raising her cupcake in a toast.

L smiled again and tapped his own cupcake against hers. "To justice," he agreed.

Misa unwrapped her cupcake and bit into it. It tasted like freedom.

 **o-o-o-o**

 **When I first finished Death Note, it amazed me to go on the fan sites and see that Misa was almost universally hated. Yes, she's impulsive, loud, often selfish, obsessive, and prone to ditziness. But I really do like her – and not because I have low standards (I despise Light from the bottom of my heart). It's just that after years of studying and living in the land of psychology, I view this character through a different lens. Where most people see a spoiled bitch, I saw a young woman with a genuine compassion, zest, and even cunning, who was being tossed around by a serious mental illness. More than anything, I saw a girl who desperately needed help and tragically never got it.**

 **So, like many of L's fans, I quickly wondered "What if Rem had dropped the Idiot Ball and screwed Light's plans?" And, naturally, the question of Misa getting the help she needed quickly entered this reality – especially since her and Rem's skill sets are quite the asset to bargain with! And eventually, this was born.**

 **Now, questions before you ask: this depiction of Misa's hospital life (short as it is) is heavily based on my own psych ward experience. I've had similar, but not identical, side-effects and allergies. There really are therapeutic drugs with a heroin-like withdrawal syndrome, and this process really does suck. Most of the patients we glimpse at the end are based on real people I've met in the hospital; I did not make up the Joker-like mannerisms, nor the man with such violent hallucinations he can barely focus enough to talk (his real life analogue is one of the bravest people I've ever met). And yes, it is rare to find a psychiatrist who really value what their patients tell them; my parents and I caught on quickly that if I wanted my experience to be taken into account, they had to regurgitate it for me. Power of attorney forms are great. As for the therapist being an ex-cop… totally true. We had a former Detroit cop as one of our therapists, and he was a wonderful, caring person who could also pin a violent patient in nothing flat if there was trouble. Definitely a badass.**

 **As for Misa's diagnosis: I am NOT qualified to diagnose or treat anything. I only have a bachelor's degree, and I was more focused on neuroscience than psychopathology. All the same, Misa is kind of a poster child for borderline personality disorder. Look it up! It's a fascinating disease, and tragedies like Misa's play out all over the world, all the time.**

 **And yes, there is so obviously a gritty/wonderful/shippy story about to begin with a healthier, slightly matured Misa working for L on all sorts of murder cases. Unfortunately, I don't know how that story goes yet; when I find it, I'll write it. ;)**

 **Finally, if you have any more questions about mental health/illness and the treatment thereof, feel free to message me. I will reiterate that I am NOT a therapist/doctor/anything of the sort, but I can at least give nudges in the right direction and suggest what to look for.**


End file.
